Love, Life, Dark, Death
by Violmaster
Summary: Sora has found that he has fallen helplessly in love, what happens makes him feel like he needs to write a journal in order to make himself feel sane


I wrote this because honestly my life just sucks right now, something that I have been dealing with for a while. Knowing that I can relate to someone I let them find the same fate as i have found myself in lately. Sorry if it's sad, just my life...

* * *

This has been going on for a while now. These feelings I wish that I could just throw away cause I know they make all the dreams that I have at night turn into day time night mares.

It all started with a crush and a really stupid way of dealing with it.

It then developed into a friendship. One that wasn't very significant, now two years later we are in college. I still want him badly. He still doesn't know what he wants out of life except to be a lawyer. As for wanting he just wants someone who can put up with him till he is ready for commitment.

I want it to be now. Lord, how I want it now. The way I can't stop looking at him, wanting approval, wanting more. More, the thing he doesn't want to give me which is made so plain in his every retraction every time we accidently touch.

He is an addict. Pills are like his escape. I wish he could come to me more often. Though we spend so much time together it's hard to ask for more. More being the way he might look at someone that isn't me. Speaking of those he looks at with lustful eyes. It's insulting I feel ugly and insignificant whenever I'm around them together, of course I'm a third wheel. It doesn't matter I would rather pretend to be important to him than face the reality. I am just there for him to ridicule, to talk to, to make sure he gets to bed ok. I never try to take advantage of certain situations because I know that if something were to happen between us the rejection I would get in the morning would kill me. He forgets everything that happens thirty minutes after his sleeping pill. I could easily have a moment with him and he wouldn't remember it. Maybe I should take one tender kiss from him even if it means nothing to him or he forgot just so that I would know how his lips feel against mine. The way those chapped lips brushing against my smooth ones, almost as if it was a drug of my own. Again I would never do this as it could very well be an end of something I'm not willing to let go of just yet.

I take a deep breath it has been another night with him. I am at home typing this. He was affected more than usual by his sleeper than usual and I had to carry him back to his room, put him to bed. Hold on there is a knock to my door.

It was him, he lost his phone. I laugh at this because it makes me feel like he needs me but he would never need me the way I need him. I know that there could never be someone else for me out there after him, his personality, his eyes. How could there be anyone out there better than him.

One might argue that I'm just obsessive well maybe that is true but I refuse to believe it. I choose to live in my dreams lately because in them he wants me.

You might ask his name, well that is my secret but I do know that if he ever read this he would know immediately of whom I speak and whom the defenseless character of this story is. I'm surprised at him. He prides himself on being able to read into situations and people. Either I'm a master at illusions and disguises or he is choosing yet again to ignore the fact that I love him.

A part of me thinks that he doesn't want to be with me for the simple fact that we get along so well and we are so well off as friends that he knows if we took a step more that we might be able to live happily together. This terrifies him. He is not the kind of person to want to come home to the same person every night. I saw another of his partners today. It made me cringe and feeling the slow dull cutting in my heart again as this person is disgusting vulgar ungrateful for anyone and very much plastic. I say plastic in the fact that one could contain a multitude of characters and not have a single moral fiber in their heart.

I wish on every star, and every other superstitious situation out there that he notices me and discovers some kind of deep hidden feeling and that he would fall for me the way I have fallen for him.

Wake up it's time to put on another façade another day another act in my life where I pretend and disguise my true feelings.

I don't care if he is someone that is imperfect because I know that no one is perfect. Although he would probably be the closest thing I know to perfect. We talked about the future today I asked him if he could ever think he could fall in love and he said 'I don't know guess I will just have to start dating and find out,' this breaks me more inside as I know I have sent him on another mission to try and find someone that will 'put up' with him for a while more till he breaks up with them. They fell in love with the same person I did and how could they not. Everyone should aspire to be more like him. I know I do, I crave his approval and I flinch internally every time I see or hear of his disapproval.

I know that if he read this I would hear of his disapproval but this is to keep me sane, to keep me from wanting to push myself into an endless abyss of dreams to where I could easily pretend that he loves me back.

That is not an escape that I am willing for yet, because I might reject reality at times I despise the thought of it being fake, I want it to be real so bad, that I will put up with reality a bit longer in order to give him a chance to recognize what could be.

I doubt greatly that I ever get him to realize this chance and I know that I will fall into the trap of wanting dreams over reality sooner rather than later. However, that day is not today. I will last a while longer, perhaps until I finish college and he leaves. That is a scary thought. After spending all this time with him, it's almost unbelievable to imagine what life would be like without him. His beautiful eyes looking at me not being what I want but it being good enough. If I don't have him in my everyday I'm scared to think of what would happen to me.

I will now go to bed to the dreams where he loves me, and hide from reality a while longer. I will tell myself that I have four years to capture him for myself however I know that the chances of this are seriously low but I'm not a realist remember.

There now that you know his name, I'm sure he will find out I never got over him. He will look at me disapprovingly again but that is not for today. That is for another day as I lock this up until the day I decide my façade is not enough. I might tell him before I choose this route however I doubt it. I'm too much of a coward.

Now you know. Now you all know that I'm a very weak person, perhaps that is why he chooses plastic over me. I can feel them again the tears are coming. I don't know why I'm so vulnerable tonight. Maybe it's guilt from harboring this secret for so long. Maybe it was the closeness of him. Maybe it was the fact that for the fourth time someone asked if we were dating and that hurts me every time I see his reaction. He just laughs as though the thought is impossible. If he only knew.

Tonight was different, he had taken his pill the one that makes him friendlier and easier to be close to, even laugh more freely with. God, his laugh it pains me to know that I can't hear that laugh all the time. After the affects of his pill had kicked in we watched a video of him doing a few funny skits from one of his favorite books and finding plot holes in it. It was very humorous. However there was that difference, upon entering his room for the final time that night he was wearing a shirt and underwear, that being it.

He didn't seem to think it was a big deal and then he asked me where all the people went and I had responded that there wasn't anyone there and he said that there had been. I just looked at him then thought I would make a silly comment like I usually do when he is like this. I said it was because they came to see him get naked and he didn't so they left.

This is when he responded their loss and then it was quiet for a time. I took the chance to bring up the video from last night and we watched it. We were both on his bed, me fully clothed, him half naked. He scooted closer towards me so that I could see the video better. Normally I would have frozen and not even looked at him.

Tonight was different. I scooted closer to him and had an arm resting on his stomach. The closeness was like a curse. A beautiful curse, as it tore me inside to know that in the morning he would most likely forget the whole experience in the morning. After the video was over neither of us moved we just stayed like that for a while. I asked him if he was still awake as he had his head buried into a pillow. I got a mumbled response that he was seeing the sun, and the galaxy. He was just watching the galaxy in his head. I smiled at the concept and fell back into the silence. It was calm and comfortable and then the thought that he wouldn't remember this closeness or even recognize it like I do hurt me again. That was when I got up and asked if he wanted to go outside to smoke. To which was a positive response he put clothes on and we left.

We came back and he fell asleep shortly after that, I quickly tucked him in and left, now here I am trying to get comfort from one who I thought understands me more than anyone and only received a cold response. She said things that hurt me, however true they are. I don't think I have felt this alone in a long time. Who would of thought that in one moment of closeness could bring me such utter misery.

How could I ever tell him how I feel? I feel like I'm leading several different lives at the moment. I get bored with my college life too easily, and being a friend to someone whom I feel like I could easily spend the rest of my life with easily and happily isn't enough and I need more. Then to my best friend whom is getting fed up with me because I am letting someone hurt me when I don't need to.

I wish I could control my feelings better, as then I wouldn't need to put up a façade and worry about having my mask crack. I want nothing more than to tear the façade and put down the mask but I'm ashamed of admitting my feelings again and I don't think I could face the rejection again. Seeing as he is my only friend here and my other friend is telling me to stay away from him it's hard to know what to do. I just want this to be solved. I wonder where my happy ending is. As my only real want out of life is to fall in love and it just so happened to be with the one person who also doesn't believe in love.

As I said before, hopefully I will find a happy ending because I don't want to deal with this pain for much longer, but knowing my heart, and my mind, and my soul, I will endure it until he is gone. Then I will have to find out how to deal with life without the people I have come to love more than myself, which all things considering doesn't take much. Seeing as I'm not the kind of person whom one could ever fall for.

I will make the wish every night before I go to bed that he is my happy ending and that I could be his. As that's all I feel I have left is wishing and hoping for what could be that happy ending.

So I have come to another conclusion, I may be becoming closer to you. However whether you know my true feelings for you or not I'm not sure entirely however, I'm no longer certain myself. You are totally not nice to me and it's really starting to rub off on the wrong way. I feel so unappreciated by you, not like you care whether you appreciate my company or not however I think I have come to a conclusion. I will take a day off from you. This day will be tomorrow. And I will consult another person that hangs out with you ahead of time telling her that I'm not feeling well. I will stay in my dorm as now I have food and don't need to leave to have dinner with you tomorrow. However I don't want to make you feel totally left out so if you text me tomorrow or want to come over I will just respond that I'm not feeling myself which is true. My façade feels like it's starting to crumble and I need a day to recover from the exhaustion and also need to complete my school work. I am having some problems and I need some time to think about things without you there as you cloud my mind.

Clouding my mind so that I think I only want to be with you even when you say hurtful things to me. I'm fairly certain that you don't mean them at all. However, I don't know how much more I can take of it. As for my feelings for you they feel like they are dimming under all of the strain and maybe that is a good thing but I just need some time to clear my head and decide upon what I really want. Maybe I will be lucky and you will want to see me at least once tomorrow, however I already know this won't happen. You don't mind being alone, in fact sometimes I can see that you relish it. I don't know why this is for certain, I mean as close as we have become I know you will think it strange not being with me tomorrow but maybe this break will also be a good thing for you, wishful and hopeful thinking tells me that you will realize what a day without me is like and whether that is what you want, as in you want me with you every day. However I know this is not true as you told me again today that you hate the 'l' word as it makes you feel strange. You don't even like saying it to your friends very much, however you do just to keep them happy or safe in the knowledge that you care about them.

I think that you don't understand what love is on purpose at times because if you really thought about it you might come to the conclusion that it is the same as caring for someone. And that isn't a bad thing. I definitely feel at times like I need you in my everyday so this is as much an experiment as it is a test for myself. I need to know that I will be okay if you leave me in the summer for Europe. I need to know if I will be ok when we graduate here from college and you go off to law school. I need to know what I'm up against, a test for my feelings for you. To understand how deeply I care about you and whether or not I want to be totally selfish and need you and want you every day for the rest of my life or if it is just a phase I'm going through and wanting you is only when I see you. I already know that I want you when I see you and am aware that it is so much stronger when you are with me. However I know that if you didn't affect me that strongly when you weren't with me I wouldn't feel the need to write out all my emotions and feelings. I feel the need to take a break for the sole reason to understand how deeply I care for you.

Will one day come when you just have to up and leave and everything we built in the time that we have spent together means little to you? I hope not because I don't think I'm strong enough to handle things without you here. I don't want to be clingy and needy from you because I know you don't like that and I would feel a fool doing it myself.

I understand that you are my friend as of now and nothing more. I just want things to change so bad and I look in all of the wrong places for hope, I know that tomorrow taking a day away from you will teach me more about all aspects of my true feelings. If I can take a day away from you then I will feel more secure in the fact that I can handle you leaving for six weeks after spending almost every day with you this year. I want to be able to understand things better. I feel uncomfortable with you being in so much control of me and not letting me have anything in return. You make me feel so insignificant and I don't even know if you know that you do or don't. I'm leaning more on the not side simply due to the fact that I know that you are normally a very good natured person else I would not be in this predicament.

I just want answers and I feel that being away from you will solve some things. I feel the need to take a break and just stay away from things that make me think of you. Working on all of my homework will be a good start as I have started to slack off just to be able to spend time with you. That isn't healthy for me I need to focus on why I am here and not be so distracted by you. I know that I am a weak person I just need to know for certain how weak and how strongly I feel for you. This solution will put me at ease or cause me so much more stress. Hopefully things will turn out okay I really do. As I have had a very hard life and it would be nice to know that things will be okay. I really need for things to go okay. As I don't know how much more hardship I can take.

Damn you it's not even past two in the afternoon and you show up at my door and make me come with you. I just need a day away from you and you can't even give me that. But how can I resist your beautiful smile and the way you looked at me was slightly unsettling, but who knows that's probably my really overactive imagination.

It has been a while, a very long while actually. It is strange, I see you now and I remember that I should be feeling love and passion burning in my heart, however it is not there anymore. When I saw your eyes I felt my heart flutter. That does not happen anymore. When you were around me I felt like the other half of my soul had been found, I had felt utterly complete. However now I look at you and I cannot even feel my heart beating.

It feels as if half of me has died, I used to feel happiness easily. Now I can remember what happiness felt like however I can't seem to find it in my days presently. Life has been going well for me, however I can't even say that I feel joy in life any longer. I look at myself in the mirror with dead eyes. I wonder if it will be much longer when I can look at you and you notice the dead look in my eyes.

I wonder when this feeling of being numb will cease; I wonder when the light will return to my eyes. I wonder if I erased all memory of you would my light return or would I still remain in the utter darkness I find myself currently surrounded in?

I have been feeling like a wondering soul lately and that doesn't do very well on my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror again this morning and felt dead on the inside, even more split than usual. I have to ask the question, what has happened to me?

After seeing the dying soul light from my eyes I just returned back to bed feeling drained. I can't sleep at night and feel empowered by the night. The darkness giving me strength, wondering how this has become my new existence I wonder what it brings for my future.

I look in my mind and find that I no more see many paths, I only see one. I keep walking this dark path because it is the only one I can see. I wonder if it will ever be able to take me back into the light, because if there is darkness there must be light, yes?

Instead of wondering what it would be like to be with you I wonder what it would have been like to have been with you. I find that being with you as appealing as it sounds would just have pushed me further into darkness. I wonder if actually having you would bring the light to my life or if your just dead in my eyes anymore.

I find myself listening to one song, this song expresses lies, dark and the ending of a relationship. Whether the relationship is friendly or more than that doesn't seem to matter. I feel utterly alone. Like I used to be surrounded by happiness and people, now I look around and see nobody. Maybe that is what I have become to you, and to everyone, a nobody. I look up and see a dark image in front of me. It looks like the outline of a person but I can't see what they look like just their outline. Seeing through my eyes I begin to wonder how seeing their outline is possible as I'm surrounded in darkness. Then realization hits me.

I am standing in front of myself. Realizing this the person's face becomes recognizable however their features haven't been brightened up. Strange how I reach out to touch the face in front of my and there is no warmth, just cold. Cold like death, feeling this I can't help it the coldness is overwhelming, it travels up my fingers through my hand and up my arm. It takes hold of my body and once it reaches my heart it stops beating.

To some I'm dead, however I can still walk. My heart doesn't beat anymore, my face can't express. This is what I have become, and it is because of you. I have become an empty shell, there is nothing left in me that can express emotion. I wonder if you were able to take it away could you give it back? I doubt this thought as I feel like nothing can save me from this darkness. I begin to wonder, I have a knife, would I even feel it crossing my skin?

I know this would just solve more problems than I could ever fix however my shell is just that a shell, it wouldn't even see light in this blade that looks like it could tear through flesh as easily as water gives life.

So I wonder is this the end? I will not write anything until something has changed, until I have seen light. Until inspiration for light has been shown to me in my darkness.

My pessimism laughs at this thought of being able to see light as dark is my world and the chances of seeing light in my blind world would be like being able to touch a star, impossible.


End file.
